One Majorally Bad Day
by denise1
Summary: Pity the aliens that cross Sam on 'that day' of the month.


One Majorally Bad Day

By

Denise

It was supposed to be a simple mission. Famous last words I know but, even we have to get the simple ones every once in a while right?

Well of course since the great god Murphy happens to be a sadistic son of a bitch you just know things aren't going to go as planned.

This of course explains why Jack, Teal'c and I were tied to poles by some refugees from Gilligan's Island. Not Mary Ann, we can't be that lucky. I'm referring to the cannibal of the week, complete with loincloth and raffia headdress.

Why wasn't Sam there with us getting poked and prodded by long pointy objects? Sam's not there because she wasn't captured. This, by the way, was one of those missions that will delight the Marines and keep the grapevine buzzing for weeks.

How did Sam elude capture? Was it some feat of stealth and daring? Not really. It was actually annoyingly simple. She had to…let's just say, despite Jack's 'we always go in pairs' rule, there are certain times when Sam goes off on her own. Yeah, you guessed it, we may live and die together but unisex pit stops just are not going to happen. Not that I mind. It's hard enough to relieve myself in front of Jack or Teal'c, if I had to have Sam as a witness…..uggh.

It started so innocently just a few hours ago. We were all gathered around a campfire, MRE's happily heating to a chicken flavored level of edibility, when Sam got to her feet and headed off to the bushes.

None of us asked where she was going. The mood she's been in coupled with the fact that she took her pack pretty much confirmed it for us. We'd all been married and could count to twenty-eight.

"Is it just me or…?" I asked as soon as she was out of earshot.

"Oh it's not just you," Jack confirmed with a roll of his eyes. "Please tell me you packed some chocolate," he begged, fiddling with his rifle. Music sooths the savage beast; chocolate has the same effect on a PMSing Sam.

"Aah…no. I aah…I forgot," I admitted grudgingly, wincing at the look on Jack's face. I might as well just have told him that I left the GDO at home.

"You for…Daniel, the chocolate is your responsibility."

"Well I'm sorry. The days got away from me. I thought I had another week. Why didn't you remind me?" And I told him the truth. I really did think we had more time.

"Perhaps when we return I can assist you in marking a calendar," Teal'c suggested helpfully. Thanks for the support there big guy.

"Perhaps the two of you could help out with the chocolate every once in a while," I groused, only half kidding. It really wouldn't hurt them to give me a hand in the chocolate arena. It's for their protection too after all.

"Hey, I chipped in last month," Jack protested.

"You bought a Hershey bar from the vending machine," I reminded him.

"It was chocolate."

"It wasn't enough. We were leaving on a three day mission, that calls for a pound at least."

"A pound? How in the hell can she put away…" The rest of Jack's protests remained unsaid when there was a loud rustle in the bushes and the next thing I knew we were surrounded by about three dozen angry looking natives holding spears and bows.

Have I said anything lately about how worthless the MALPs are? We should send the three blind mice; I think they'd be more accurate.

I tried to talk to them, but it didn't work. I know Jack and Teal'c thought about fighting, but a P-90 and a staff weapon wouldn't do much good against the sheer numbers. And anyway, none of us are really into mass murder.

We surrendered and let them tie us up and lead us off. After all Sam was out there somewhere. She could go back through the gate and get us some help. Sure it'll be hard on the ego but, heck I'll live with a little embarrassment as long as I get to live.

The natives dragged us into their camp and tied us up to these posts, our hands up over our heads. By far not the most comfortable way to be tied up. Oh the things you learn in planetary exploring, the most comfortable ways to get restrained. Who knows, the knowledge might come in handy some day.

I tried to talk to the leader; at least I'm assuming he was the leader. He's got the fanciest headdress and was doing the most talking, ok really gibbering at us. Jack kept telling me to talk to him. Which I would have, if I understood what he was saying.

"Just because I know twenty-three languages doesn't mean I know them all," I told him really wanting to knock him upside his hard head. The offer's open any time Jack, you can just do this first contact thing. You tell me what's harder, talking to someone you've never met or blowing them up?

"Teal'c?"

"I do not know these people O'Neill," he interrupted, forestalling Jack's request. "Nor is this language familiar."

"Well it was worth a try."

I saw him looking around, not trying to look like he's looking around. He's thinking about how soon Sam can get to the gate, get help and get back. I gave us about three hours, minimum. We were a fair piece from the gate and Sam had to sneak her way there, get home, convince the general that we need help now, round up said help, and sneak back. Ok, so it'll be more like morning before we can look for rescue. Great. I know Janet's bugged me to get a firmer mattress but…I don't think this is what she had in mind.

I squared my feet and stood on my tiptoes to give my wrists a break. The ropes really weren't too tight, it's just that all the blood had drained from my hands and they were nice and numb. I looked up to see how difficult the knots were and immediately closed my eyes as something splashed into them.

"Ow."

"Daniel? What's wrong?"

"I…something's in my eye," I answered him, blinking furiously to clear it.

"Well how the…this is great," he said. I looked at him and felt another drop hit me. Rain. Fantastic, it was raining. Could this night have gotten any more fun?

We all hunched our shoulders and resigned ourselves to spending the night tied to poles in the rain. Have I mentioned just how much of a sadistic son of a bitch Murphy is?

The rain stopped about an hour later leaving all three of us soaked to the skin and freezing. Right now Sam and the Marines couldn't have gotten there soon enough. Both Jack and Teal'c were sort of zoned out, I think Teal'c was trying to meditate and Jack, well Jack has this weird way of meditation too. He looks like he's asleep but he's really playing opossum. It's saved our butts on more than one occasion, the bad guys think he's asleep and he jumps up and grabs them. Must be a special ops thing.

I'll admit I'm less than alert. The village was asleep; they didn't even post a guard on us. Guess they don't get visitors too often. Or maybe they had enough sense to stay in out of the rain.  I started staring off towards the planetary equivalent of the east, looking for the sunrise. Not only because rescue might come then but also looking forward to the warmth the rising sun will provide.

All of a sudden there was this hand around my mouth and a knife in front of my face. I jumped, as much as I could and tried to cry out. It was really a sort of muffled yelp, but it sounded shockingly loud in the stillness of the village.

"Daniel, ssh." I heard a voice whisper in my ear, the faint rush of air tickling a bit. A voice I recognized. Sam. As long as you're going to cut these ropes you can tickle my ear as much as you want.

She stepped in front of me and reached up, barely able to get at the ropes. I mean Sam is tall but these guys were taller. She struggled for a minute and then my arms flopped down to my side. I bit my tongue as cramped muscles made themselves known. I felt better however as I heard Jack and Teal'c also groan slightly as Sam cut them loose.

Good, as long as the discomfort is shared. I glanced at her. She'd obviously had about as fun of a night as we have. Her fatigues were mud covered and dark with moisture and there was a scratch on her cheek.

"Where's the back up?" Jack whispered.

"They couldn't be scrambled until now. SG-6 was already on a mission. SG-4 should be coming through the gate within the hour," she whispered back. Well that explained her being here alone.

"Our stuff is over there," Jack said, pointing at the far hut. Before they'd tied us to the posts they had taken everything away short of our clothing. Sam nodded and handed Jack her sidearm, the only spare weapon she had.

We made our way to the hut, trying to stay quiet and not slip in the mud left over from the rain. Sam and Jack quickly checked the hut and we slipped inside, each grabbing our stuff.

I'm glad we didn't have to leave it behind. Not only is that stuff dangerous but, well you wouldn't believe the paperwork associated with 'the aliens stole my pistol'.

So now that we had all our stuff we were ready to sneak on out of the village and get home, preferably before the natives even noticed that their guests were gone. We had just exited the hut when there was this loud shout and we were surrounded by natives…again.

Déjà vu big time.

The chief started yelling and screaming, even louder than he had before. He kept making these gestures at Sam. I don't know if he was bugged because she's a she or because she's blond or it might have had something to do with the big rifle she had aimed right at his chest. Whatever it was, she freaked him out big time.

"What's he saying Daniel?" She asked tightly.

"He doesn't know," Jack responded, his rifle at the ready too. We had moved closer together our backs facing each other. I suppose that with the extra rifle we stood a pretty good chance of shooting our way out of this, but we try to avoid that. We're the good guys; we only shoot our way out if the bad guys make us.

The chief kept on with his gesturing and pointing, most of it at Sam. "He doesn't seem to like you much Major," Jack said.

"Well the feeling's mutual," she responded, pulling back slightly at the chief reached out to touch her. He frowned and seemed to take offense at her reaction. Then he grinned and started to make these gestures….well some things are universal. "Daniel?" she asked, not taking her eyes off the chief.

"Umm…well Sam…I think he wants you to hang around."

"Tell him to bite me," she responded.

The chief broke into another series of gestures; ones I think meant we could go…if Sam stayed. To quote Jack, that just ain't gonna happen.

"Is he saying what I think he's saying?" Jack asked, trying to edge us away from the group.

"If you are perceiving that he wishes Major Carter to remain behind then you are correct O'Neill."

"Daniel, tell him I'm cold, tired, wet, hungry, I have cramps and a loaded gun. If he doesn't get the hell out of my way I'm gonna shoot him," Sam said through gritted teeth.

I don't think the chief understood her words, but he must have picked up on the tone because the next thing I knew they backed off and let us leave.

We hustled back to the gate and made it home with no other problems. We actually met the rescue team in the gateroom. Sam just walked past them, handed her rifle over, silently calling dibs on the showers. We didn't argue.

"Colonel? I was under the impression you were in trouble?" The general asked, puzzlement on his face.

"We were sir. But we're feeling much better now," Jack answered as he too handed his rifle over.

"According to Major Carter's report you men were captives of the native population and greatly out numbered. How exactly did you get free?"

Jack looked around and leaned close to the man as I strained to hear his explanation. "PMS with a P-90 sir," he said softly.

"Aah. I see. Very well. Perhaps we'll debrief tomorrow then," the general answered.

"That would be a most prudent decision General Hammond," Teal'c agreed.

We filed out of the room and headed to the infirmary since we knew we wouldn't get into the showers for at least half an hour. I just hope they were empty or Janet likely got another patient or two.

"So Daniel…about that chocolate," Jack said as he reached into his pocket. He pulled out some cash and pushed it into my hand. "Just make sure she knows it's from all of us," he said as the elevator door opens.

Fin


End file.
